May 2009. results

+ 23 pips

+4%

This month was crazy struggle. I had problems trading with too small size and problems with being scared of bigger size. I have also problem when I approach near the break even level for the whole year, I get immediately back down in the hole.
In my positive days I win around 200 full size pips and in my negative days I lost around 180 pips. My losing days are big -80, -60, -40. Not all winning days are win with good trading. Sometimes senseless averaging works. Only thing that is making me to go on and not get insane are days when I trade exactly as I want. With reasonable loss points, clear game plan and understanding what are the reasons to take the trade. On my bad days I don't know what to do, I can see that there is action so I fly in usually going opposite of what I should. I don't cut losses and I let them go so much against me without any opportunity to came out positive. Well it's a miracle that I'm in the end positive for the month. Or, I'm doing at least something good. So those well played days are potential that I see in myself and why I keep pushing. Every very bad day have a point where it's opportune to just quit and try not to hold losers and finish with some reasonable loss. I lose control and do what I did hundreds of times, but now it's working less and less. Now I trade from the start with bigger amounts so I don't have enough margin to average hard like before. That is exact reason why I'm not putting more money into account.
Also I struggle with too small size because I let winners turn into bad losers because profit was never big enough. One time I had in the start of the day unrealized profit of 18 half size pips, it wasn't enough to take it. I finished the day at -166 half size pips. Emotional trading at it's maximum.

Swings from 50 pips up for the month down to -40 for a month next day. Then straight climb to 80 over several winning days, then back down to 20, climb to 50, back to 20.