Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Intoxicated

I had first little scalp in eur/usd that was ok and usual, nothing special.

After that those spikes on eur/usd were at the same time when gbp/usd fall, so action on eur/gbp going higher. When it stop I went long in gbp/usd playing for catch up of going to highs in eur/usd. Well eur/usd action got hammered down. I still was bullish on gbp/usd and it ability to hold the lows. It wasn't weak so much, it was fighting. At the same time I slowly started to go in my state of insanity totally intoxicated with trading, risks, everything. As I added more size I was more in emotionally. Nothing else exists, there is only this trade and current market action. It's make or break, all in. Probably gamblers feel like that.
After averaging in gbp/usd I bought eur/usd with full size. It was also fighting and trying to get of the lows. It was so intense. Every second counts, every tick is important. I averaged again in eur/usd again with full size, so I had 3 full size positions bleeding on me. At the lowest point I was -40 full size pips of open loss and it could get double that in a matter of second if fast brake came.
When it was going up in the end I exit by the feel and it was b/e for the day. Funny, I got my excitement and pain and in the end I was flat.

At this blog you can at least read about real trading problems. Not everything is peachy. I can't explain my behaviour. It always stun me again. I'm saying myself I will not do that again at the start of the day and I do it again. It's like they say alcoholics or addict do. It's so funny and stupid, I don't even do that to earn money but not to lose money.

Now while I'm writing this market is 50 pips up from my exit.

I don't have answers only questions.



6 comments:

ORION MACHINE said...

well start asking because I probably have answers... One question I want to ask you first is this: If that were a loser would you still be in it?

FX said...

I probably would :((
I understand your point.

You are totally on point in your last comment in my previous post. I read that book. I know all that mentally. As you said I'm out of "NOW". Mental understanding is one thing, but as I said when I start trading it's whole different world. And yes I'm not accepting risks and they control me.

I know that it will be all the same until I change in myself and for first start accepting my risk. I think that you know that it's easier said than done. There is no help in mental knowledge if I can't deliver in reality. Mental knowledge is helping me not to give up by understanding where
I'm, where I'm stuck.

I got to say thank you on contribution to helping me. It's good to have somebody by your side pushing you in the right direction. I feel bad that I'm not progressing very well. My situation isn't unusual, we all have it or had it in some aspect of our life's. Trading is no different than life itself, it's one aspect. It could be the same on money, business, romantic, health, family or any other front. I'm just explaining that I understand that I have issues and that it's not easy for me to mend it.

Thanks orion

ORION MACHINE said...

I enjoy our struggles FX, life and trading is difficult. It seems so unfair as to how much easier it is to destroy than to build something up and make it great. True character is formed one trial at a time, but it can take giving up on just once to ruin your life forever. Having another person to go to will compound your strength and persistence.

Just work on keeping your risks in control and the winners will eventually outweigh them. It is an undeniable truth.

4x For Life said...

And You hit the nail on the head, you are not 100% in your trading style and you are very afraid of loosing more than gaining. This is a problem we all face. I have lost over 5k in a heart beat. But that is this business. I know you like to scalp and there is nothing wrong with that but make sure your on the right side. Keep testing systems till you find one your 100% with.

Good Luck to ya

FX said...

Well again thanks orion and 4x.

I think I should combine your advices. I'm afraid of losing and should look into that by losing more but small. In that way I would keep my risks in control. I'm too much trying to win every trade and every day. That brings me in situation like today. Risk of 80 half size pips and open end to 160 in 10 or 12 more pips of market movement. Wouldn't it be wise if I just took some loss on my first gbp/usd trade 5, 7, 12 whatever.
Maybe it's hard for me to look for another opportunity after loss, but it's sure easier than trying to save my skin doing averaging.

If I'm scalping and looking for small gains what am I doing with big open losses. I'm not acknowledging reality of correct scalping - small wins, small losses. What happened to my stop losses of 15-30 pips. It's like max of 15 full size pips, that's my plan. I just don't take losses. I can't trade like that. Maybe I won't be positive with lot's of small losses but this isn't the way either, not at all.

I probably have so big need to be positive that I don't want to risk being negative with following my system. This indicate that I'm afraid that my system isn't profitable and I'm afraid to confront it. I didn't even give it a shot. It's like not asking girl out because I'm afraid of rejection. I don't get rejected but I don't go out also. I don't want to see in reality is my trading way of scalping profitable or not.

It's all pretty much simple. Truth is always simple.
You know what also, if I find out that this system isn't good enough maybe than I will move on. Until I trade like Mark Douglas say ten trades following your system to the letter I will never know. It's not the question is my system profitable or not but can I follow it. My current goal shouldn't be win pips but follow my rules.

System is discretionary scalping. Scalping for me means fast and small wins, fast and small losses.


Well I did really gain today with your help addressing my trading issues.

ORION MACHINE said...

I think your evaluation of yourself is spot on. And yes truth is always so simple. Following the rules should definitely be your primary concern. You should write down as much about your system as you can and evaluate after each trade if the trade met your criteria. also, with scalping it will take more than 20 trades to see profitability. It took me a sample size of about 200 trades before I began to get confident about my abilities.