Sisyphean task

I lost 90 pips today, I was more than double that in red 3 minutes before my exit. Insane leverage and averaging for no important reason. It's like I sometimes decide let's fool around. Let's short the trend up, let's not get out of position that it's in small profit but not moving. Let's not get out at b/e. Let's not get out at s/l. Let's average and move all the stops. Let's average until there is no more margin to average more. Let's swing a loss of 5% to 10% than back to 5% in few minutes and exit, and be happy about the fun trip that I just had.

I don't want to show charts. I feel less stupid just talking about it and not showing how does it look in reality.

Well I'm trading for few years now, I learned a lot and I'm trading better. I can see good opportunities and bad stuff. I'm much more conscious about all that trading stuff. But from day one I didn't move a bit in some aspect that is about being successful. It's totally psychological issue, because nobody can tell me that one day I know how to trade at least scalp and other day I just let it all go away trading totally opposite of all the rules.
It's hard, it's "Sisyphean task". It's not problem in trading actions, I know how to win or to lose. But I can't answer the question why I sometimes choose to lose, to lose big. Than I start all over again.
I have polarity, I want success and I don't want it or I'm afraid of it of all it brings. It's not trading problem. It could happen in any aspect of life or any other business. Trading is here, I do that and that problem shows here.

In my defense I can say that I have worked on solving that problem, I didn't ignore it totally. But I didn't break out through that resistance. It's starting to become boring to gain, gain, gain small than lose all and than some and start all over again.