Rewarding mistake

I felt disappointment with myself today because of yesterday's trading. I was watching the market, had a really nice call that gbp/usd will fall back from 10:10 high of 640 back to the 600. I didn't trade it but I was paper trading it in my head, just watching. I was more happy that it went that way than sad because I didn't enter. It was sell of into the news of 10:30 after really bad morning for gbp/usd. Sell off really got extended fast to the 550 area. News came and there were no big reaction and as soon as spread came down on Oanda from 20 (news spread for gbp/usd) I entered because I thought now there will be short covering because of no reaction more down. So I entered with half size and exit when it had first bump. Than when I was looking at my p&l something didn't add up. I entered full size trade and not half and I wasn't aware of that. So omission doubled my profit to +17 pips.

Unreasonable

I don't know why I do it but it's here. I had small profit on gbp/usd (all positions half size) I didn't take it. Eur/usd didn't show weakness. I kept them, turn gbp/usd in loss and averaged down. -36 full size pips of a loss. I just astray from what I know and do well. It happened yesterday and continued today.
At eleven thirty I had only 5 pips loss and from there on it really started to go up. It's ok idea that I had about reversal, it didn't materialize but I stick with it. It's auto-pilot of usual losing behavior from that point on. Maybe I'm just bored. This is not a way to trade. Again I didn't stay with scalping but turned good scalp in bad swing trade.

Ugly trading

This is why I try only to scalp. Because if I lose i try to gain it back, size is big decisions are questionable. London was closed, spread was wider it was bad decision to trade at all. On my first trade I had 5 unrealised pips and than I was shaken out at b/e. Than I opened another trade at same level ans averaged down later. It was going back to me steadily and than it just broke down in a second.
I reversed with double size to gain lost but closed that trade making loss bigger. Than market went in direction of that trade and I would get my b/e if I stayed.
I had another long in eur/usd and also I opened 2X position short in usd/jpy. Eur first went in my direction and I had about 10 unrealized pips and than back down.
Now I was in swing trade mentality with getting back to b/e on my mind. It's not my game, I don't do that very well.
I was watching usd/jpy closely because it was near support and in very tight range. Usd didn't show much strength but it didn't fall either. Around morning support I added another eur/usd trade. So now I was 4X size against usd. If usd gained real strength across the board I would have heavy loss. I was -26 pips on a day and -44 unrealized.
It was slow fight back and I got out at b/e +3 pips. Usd/jpy just didn't want to brake down with speed. So I got out when I erased my loss for a day.
Later it continued slowly in my direction but it's too slow for what I was looking for.

So very bad trading today. First of all losing discipline. Trading without strong reason and than I didn't want to acknowledge losing day. To big size on slow range day. In the end I never use that size after b/e level, so bad r:r. It's so easy to slip in this kind of trading I only need full size trade and a loss.

Gbp/usd scalp

I was watching eur/usd slow buying from the 470 level but I didn't act. Than I had idea for gbp/usd which was consolidating right below last high and with eur/usd pushing it looked to me that it is just about to pop up. Half size trade, I stayed for initial surge. Eur didn't broke up and gbp stalled so no reason to hang on and test back.
+7 full size pips

Labor day thin market

Europe is on holiday and London pushed eur/usd nicely down. I was playing that they don't have the strength to push belove 5500. I had half size trade and it was all so slow. They pushed again and I averaged with another half size. Thats good thing about small size, when you average you are sane. If I had two full size positions I would be all crazy and get out at b/e. I didn't expected that they will be successful with pushing it down so far so I didn't want to try my luck in more waiting. I waited to get +10 full size pips.

Too much energy in trading gains to sustain it

I have one interesting psychological thought on my mind lately. I watch my trading and I just realize sometimes that there is more to gain from the trade than I do. But somehow when I shot for more it's wrong move and when I don't go for it there is ten times more profit left on the table. I have theory about it all. I believe that I can't stand too much energy. Big profits are too big energy for me. I somehow can conduct certain amount of energy and more is bad for me. It's like electrical energy and carrying capacity of conductor.
If I'm in the trade that later on will go big in my way I always find the way to talk myself out of it and took smaller profit even when there is no strong reason. Maybe it's just the human nature, but maybe as my theory goes it's just too big energy to handle it out. I'm not talking about financial amount, it's just some kind of energy that is conducted or not.


I don't know much about this. Maybe it's just rambling. I think it's like the thing that many lottery winners in few years become bankrupt. Maybe it's lack of financial knowledge what to do with the winnings, maybe because it's just to much of some kind of energy for them to sustain it.
So I chose to trade small and take small winners and don't dwell about what's left on the table. If I go through my trading for last month and put t/p of let's say 100 pips on all my trades and keep the s/l level and bring it to b/e if trade worked in the beginning I would have few big runs that combined surpass my monthly winning in big way. I don't know maybe I'm just imagining things in hindsight. But I do have that feeling that too much of energy for me is just too much. So I got to work with my capacity with the knowledge that even trying to overshot it can be bad for me. So I rather add small gains one by one, day by day.

Does any one have some idea or similar experience or this is just gibberish?